Crap. My life frigging exploded, AGAIN! I was living peacefully alongside the “sisty uglers,” (that is, the cousins, Dancer, Spice Girl, and Kitten) when I had a bomb dropped on me. I was informed in a one-on-one conversation with Kitten, (the eldest of the three), that they were really starting to feel the “crowdy-ness” of a fourth person in the house and I had until the end of February to be gone. The conversation then went something like this:
Me: “But you know I can’t afford a place of my own until I have a full-time job and I’ve been working really hard to find a steady job. But I don’t have the finances to move out right now.”
Kitten: “That’s not my problem.”
Me: “But you all said when I got here, just after my husband abandoned me and left me for another woman, that I could stay as long as I wanted. Dancer said specifically ‘I have no timeline. You can stay as long as you like.’” Dancer actually owns the house.
Kitten: “Well, we discovered we have a timeline.”
Me: “I guess I’ll be headed back to the Pacific NW then because at this point, I have no other options.”
Kitten: “Well you can take this anyway you want.” She had a definite arrogant sort-of smug sound in her tone. You know that defensive tone that says, “I know I’m wrong so I’m being totally defensive.”
Me: Speechless – nothing left to say; stunned at the fact that a promise was broken and the compassion I was greeted with over the demise of my marriage and the fact that my ex left me financially destitute, had completely vanished for the simple fact that it was no longer convenient.
How quickly they have forgotten that I spent a full-week in and out of the hospital with Spice Girl, after her knee surgery, advocating for her; sticking up for her; ripping doctors and nurses up one side and down another for allowing her pain to carry on ceaselessly; tending to her toileting because the nurses and CNA’s weren’t doing a proper hygienic job. Have you ever wiped a grown person’s ass? It ain’t pretty. But I did it with love in my heart. And when it was done, I was so physically sick from worry and strain that I could hardly see straight. But, I love her, so I did it.
How quickly Dancer has forgotten the 60+ hours I spent taking care of her back taxes. She hasn’t filed since 2004. That’s 8-years of taxes. But she was in a pickle and needed help. I even called in a favor from Numberina (my mom) who agreed to do all 8-years at no charge. That’s worth about $400.00 And in order to prep the taxes, I had to completely organize her bedroom and go through mounds of paperwork looking for deductions. That alone was two, eight-hour days.
How quickly Kitten has forgotten that I committed to helping her with a serious fraudulent charge to her credit card after I was done dealing with Dancer’s taxes. How quickly she has forgotten all the organizing and housekeeping I have done because I knew the disorganization and lack of cleanliness really bothered her. I also knew that she needed the help. She no longer has the strength to keep house like she used to.
How little do they know that I worried after them, their health, their physical safety, and their happiness. Was the living situation perfect? No. Were there disagreements, fights, etc? Yes. Did we get on each other’s nerves? Of course. But no “family” is perfect. It has its good and bad moments, but, in my mind at least, you don’t just give one person the boot because it’s “crowdy.” When you commit, YOU COMMIT! And so, for me, the lesson, (at least one of the lessons) I have learned is that I have a tendency to commit to people (like my ex-husband) who don’t have the same definition of commit that I do. I seem to be hooking up with people (family) whose definition of commit means: until it’s just not convenient anymore, or until I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. And when they are done, they act as if tossing you aside is not personal and don’t understand why you are so upset. They live their lives based on this ephemeral sense of commitment.
And I can see with each one of the “sisty uglers” how this level of take it or leave it commitment has manifested in their lives. One of them tossed aside her first husband and son in search of happiness with a married man with three kids of his own because she just didn’t want to commit anymore to the son and husband. At one point, she even tossed aside her own sister and put her in a financially precarious situation telling her the same thing she told me, “Your finances aren’t my problem.” You see, it had become inconvenient for her to continue to live with the sister and so she left her terrified and struggling. She was tired of it and done, unable to commit to what she originally promised. And I know this much…she will do it to her again! What folly to trust such a person not to do the same exact thing in the exact same situation. And what a fool I was myself not to see it coming from her.
The other sister has had numerous (and I mean NUMEROUS) relationships and one-night stands, unable to commit to just one person, unable to achieve monogamy brushing aside her failure saying, “I’m just poly-amorous.” After 50+ years, you’d think she’d figure it out. However; she would exclaim, “But I do have a steady boyfriend,” but don’t let the smoke and mirrors fool you. This man is committed to another woman and is unavailable to freely and wholly give himself to her. He will NEVER leave this other woman and has said as much, but after 3 years she still holds out hope. She persistently, according to the elder “sisty ugler,” “seeks out relationships with married or otherwise committed men so SHE doesn’t have to commit.” (That is a close approximation of what was actually said.)
The last sister has broken, dysfunctional relationships with her two children because she is unable to completely commit her love to them refusing to brush aside their father, the man who molested and violated them. They sense her lack of commitment and so the relationship with one child is marked by frustration, anger, and discontentment. And the other child ignores her and has almost nothing to do with her and neither do his children or wife. After she divorced their father (and not because he molested them but because she couldn’t commit, it wasn’t convenient anymore) she ignored them and spent many nights away sleeping with any man that would satisfy her physical need (she openly admitted this to me). You see, her need was “so great”(her exact words). So she wasn’t committed to her children, her family, in any way, shape, or form. Her commitment was to her physical need and not her family. And now she wonders why she isn’t closer to her children.
I learned all this while I lived with them in the cottage at the end of the roads in the woods, and some of it I knew already. In them I see my own lack of commitment in one very important aspect of my life, my inability to hold down a stable job or have a successful career. But, in terms of family, I am completely committed. So what is it in me that keeps being attracted to these situations with people who have no sense of commitment when it comes to family? This is where my lesson is. And also, I am learning that dedication to a job/career is so important not just financially, but it also represents who you are in your ability to commit! And I am so much more committed to my career than I ever was before. I gradually became more aware of who I am, and what I want out of life, and committed myself to finding a great, good paying job! And with every passing day that I lived in the cottage at the end of the road with the “sisty uglers,” I became clearer, and clearer on this. Make no bones about it – I became CRYSTAL clear.
And I pray for two things: 1) The most perfect job for me and the strength to commit and settle in. And 2) I pray fervently that I can find a partner who feels the same way about familial commitment that I do because I don’t ever want to be cast aside again because I refuse to see who people really are. Ignorance is NOT bliss.
Me: “But you know I can’t afford a place of my own until I have a full-time job and I’ve been working really hard to find a steady job. But I don’t have the finances to move out right now.”
Kitten: “That’s not my problem.”
Me: “But you all said when I got here, just after my husband abandoned me and left me for another woman, that I could stay as long as I wanted. Dancer said specifically ‘I have no timeline. You can stay as long as you like.’” Dancer actually owns the house.
Kitten: “Well, we discovered we have a timeline.”
Me: “I guess I’ll be headed back to the Pacific NW then because at this point, I have no other options.”
Kitten: “Well you can take this anyway you want.” She had a definite arrogant sort-of smug sound in her tone. You know that defensive tone that says, “I know I’m wrong so I’m being totally defensive.”
Me: Speechless – nothing left to say; stunned at the fact that a promise was broken and the compassion I was greeted with over the demise of my marriage and the fact that my ex left me financially destitute, had completely vanished for the simple fact that it was no longer convenient.
How quickly they have forgotten that I spent a full-week in and out of the hospital with Spice Girl, after her knee surgery, advocating for her; sticking up for her; ripping doctors and nurses up one side and down another for allowing her pain to carry on ceaselessly; tending to her toileting because the nurses and CNA’s weren’t doing a proper hygienic job. Have you ever wiped a grown person’s ass? It ain’t pretty. But I did it with love in my heart. And when it was done, I was so physically sick from worry and strain that I could hardly see straight. But, I love her, so I did it.
How quickly Dancer has forgotten the 60+ hours I spent taking care of her back taxes. She hasn’t filed since 2004. That’s 8-years of taxes. But she was in a pickle and needed help. I even called in a favor from Numberina (my mom) who agreed to do all 8-years at no charge. That’s worth about $400.00 And in order to prep the taxes, I had to completely organize her bedroom and go through mounds of paperwork looking for deductions. That alone was two, eight-hour days.
How quickly Kitten has forgotten that I committed to helping her with a serious fraudulent charge to her credit card after I was done dealing with Dancer’s taxes. How quickly she has forgotten all the organizing and housekeeping I have done because I knew the disorganization and lack of cleanliness really bothered her. I also knew that she needed the help. She no longer has the strength to keep house like she used to.
How little do they know that I worried after them, their health, their physical safety, and their happiness. Was the living situation perfect? No. Were there disagreements, fights, etc? Yes. Did we get on each other’s nerves? Of course. But no “family” is perfect. It has its good and bad moments, but, in my mind at least, you don’t just give one person the boot because it’s “crowdy.” When you commit, YOU COMMIT! And so, for me, the lesson, (at least one of the lessons) I have learned is that I have a tendency to commit to people (like my ex-husband) who don’t have the same definition of commit that I do. I seem to be hooking up with people (family) whose definition of commit means: until it’s just not convenient anymore, or until I just don’t feel like doing it anymore. And when they are done, they act as if tossing you aside is not personal and don’t understand why you are so upset. They live their lives based on this ephemeral sense of commitment.
And I can see with each one of the “sisty uglers” how this level of take it or leave it commitment has manifested in their lives. One of them tossed aside her first husband and son in search of happiness with a married man with three kids of his own because she just didn’t want to commit anymore to the son and husband. At one point, she even tossed aside her own sister and put her in a financially precarious situation telling her the same thing she told me, “Your finances aren’t my problem.” You see, it had become inconvenient for her to continue to live with the sister and so she left her terrified and struggling. She was tired of it and done, unable to commit to what she originally promised. And I know this much…she will do it to her again! What folly to trust such a person not to do the same exact thing in the exact same situation. And what a fool I was myself not to see it coming from her.
The other sister has had numerous (and I mean NUMEROUS) relationships and one-night stands, unable to commit to just one person, unable to achieve monogamy brushing aside her failure saying, “I’m just poly-amorous.” After 50+ years, you’d think she’d figure it out. However; she would exclaim, “But I do have a steady boyfriend,” but don’t let the smoke and mirrors fool you. This man is committed to another woman and is unavailable to freely and wholly give himself to her. He will NEVER leave this other woman and has said as much, but after 3 years she still holds out hope. She persistently, according to the elder “sisty ugler,” “seeks out relationships with married or otherwise committed men so SHE doesn’t have to commit.” (That is a close approximation of what was actually said.)
The last sister has broken, dysfunctional relationships with her two children because she is unable to completely commit her love to them refusing to brush aside their father, the man who molested and violated them. They sense her lack of commitment and so the relationship with one child is marked by frustration, anger, and discontentment. And the other child ignores her and has almost nothing to do with her and neither do his children or wife. After she divorced their father (and not because he molested them but because she couldn’t commit, it wasn’t convenient anymore) she ignored them and spent many nights away sleeping with any man that would satisfy her physical need (she openly admitted this to me). You see, her need was “so great”(her exact words). So she wasn’t committed to her children, her family, in any way, shape, or form. Her commitment was to her physical need and not her family. And now she wonders why she isn’t closer to her children.
I learned all this while I lived with them in the cottage at the end of the roads in the woods, and some of it I knew already. In them I see my own lack of commitment in one very important aspect of my life, my inability to hold down a stable job or have a successful career. But, in terms of family, I am completely committed. So what is it in me that keeps being attracted to these situations with people who have no sense of commitment when it comes to family? This is where my lesson is. And also, I am learning that dedication to a job/career is so important not just financially, but it also represents who you are in your ability to commit! And I am so much more committed to my career than I ever was before. I gradually became more aware of who I am, and what I want out of life, and committed myself to finding a great, good paying job! And with every passing day that I lived in the cottage at the end of the road with the “sisty uglers,” I became clearer, and clearer on this. Make no bones about it – I became CRYSTAL clear.
And I pray for two things: 1) The most perfect job for me and the strength to commit and settle in. And 2) I pray fervently that I can find a partner who feels the same way about familial commitment that I do because I don’t ever want to be cast aside again because I refuse to see who people really are. Ignorance is NOT bliss.
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