Today was hectic and stressful, which lead to many thoughts about the end of my marriage, which lead me to feeling rather melancholy. Since Ex-Man left...uh...that is, abandoned me for another woman, I have really struggled to make my life work. I put so much into making our marriage work the last 6-months we were together, but I had no clue what I was up against. The affair had gone on for maybe a year. I discovered it after he left and then so many things fell into place and made sense in my life. I wasn't crazy after all.
The last year or so we were married there was this inner voice that kept saying to me, "something is wrong." Alarm bells were going off. But I never could put my finger on it. And I even said to Ex-Man, "Something is wrong. I just can't figure this out? Please talk to me. Why are you doing this?" But I eventually figured it out a few days after he took off and then a friend called to confirm what I already knew in my heart.
Since then, (about 6-months have passed) I have expected myself to sort of bounce back and know exactly what I'm doing, and get on with it - with living that is. And I have tried. I mean, we're divorced now so what's the point in being angry? But Lulu Guru admonished me to slow down and take it easy and honor my grief process. (See my cast of characters on my home page.) But I am impatient. However; before she said this to me, my inner voice was saying pretty much the same thing. "What were you expecting from yourself? To have day after day full of rainbows and pink roses after a major, life-altering, tragic event?" Eeeeyup! I just wanted it to be over and behind me, but it wasn't and still isn't.
My heart hurts. I still feel dazed and confused. And every day I ask myself, "How did I get here? How in the hell did this happen to me?" You see this happens to others, but not me. I chose a good man. He was tried and true. He was a real, honest to goodness cowboy. He had a decent upbringing. He had good moral fiber and would NEVER even so much as look at another woman. Boy was I wrong and in the most awful, gut wrenching way.
Lulu Guru followed her advice with another suggestion. (There is, after all, a reason I named my stepmom Lulu GURU.) She said, "You need to forgive yourself." When she said that, I couldn't really figure out what she meant. You see, I (that's capital I) hadn't done anything wrong. I didn't have the affair and abandon him. But that inner voice started nagging...ahem...(clears throat) talking to me again. "Come oooon...you know she's right." And now, upon reflection, I see it. I screwed up. I chose poorly for lack of a better word. I'm not really blaming myself but I can now clearly see that I loved Ex-Man, (and still do...sigh) but I think I was more in love with the image he presented. He used to say, "People will believe the image you present," and I did. I bought it hook, line, and sinker. I had this glorified image of him as this old fashioned, chivalrous cowboy. (He was raised on a ranch.) And in some respects he embodied that. And when he said his marriage vows, I really wanted to believe that he meant it. Why would someone say a thing like that if they didn't mean it?
I had this nagging feeling on our wedding day at the church that wouldn't leave me alone. And Ex-Man's behavior was so clear to me - as I planned the wedding and on our wedding day - he was not into it. My inner voice was asking, "What's wrong with this picture?" But I told it soundly, "Shut up and leave me alone. My day is finally hear. The day I've of dreamed of since I was a little girl, and you won't ruin it for me." And I slammed the door shut on it, muffling it for the next few years.
I could moan and cry in my spilled soy milk (I'm lactose intolerant) saying to myself, "I should have paid better attention," but I can't change the past. It is done. But what I can do, is take my time to evaluate what happened, really look at myself, see the facts for what they are, and then work on forgiving myself for not being, well, perfect. And I can forgive myself for not listening to that inner voice, and resolve to work harder to be a better listener as I move forward. I think this is what Lulu Guru was driving at. I can give myself credit for one thing though, I'm getting better at listening to and respecting my parents. They deserve my time attention. They've been around the block of life a few more times than me, and have learned a thing or two.
The last year or so we were married there was this inner voice that kept saying to me, "something is wrong." Alarm bells were going off. But I never could put my finger on it. And I even said to Ex-Man, "Something is wrong. I just can't figure this out? Please talk to me. Why are you doing this?" But I eventually figured it out a few days after he took off and then a friend called to confirm what I already knew in my heart.
Since then, (about 6-months have passed) I have expected myself to sort of bounce back and know exactly what I'm doing, and get on with it - with living that is. And I have tried. I mean, we're divorced now so what's the point in being angry? But Lulu Guru admonished me to slow down and take it easy and honor my grief process. (See my cast of characters on my home page.) But I am impatient. However; before she said this to me, my inner voice was saying pretty much the same thing. "What were you expecting from yourself? To have day after day full of rainbows and pink roses after a major, life-altering, tragic event?" Eeeeyup! I just wanted it to be over and behind me, but it wasn't and still isn't.
My heart hurts. I still feel dazed and confused. And every day I ask myself, "How did I get here? How in the hell did this happen to me?" You see this happens to others, but not me. I chose a good man. He was tried and true. He was a real, honest to goodness cowboy. He had a decent upbringing. He had good moral fiber and would NEVER even so much as look at another woman. Boy was I wrong and in the most awful, gut wrenching way.
Lulu Guru followed her advice with another suggestion. (There is, after all, a reason I named my stepmom Lulu GURU.) She said, "You need to forgive yourself." When she said that, I couldn't really figure out what she meant. You see, I (that's capital I) hadn't done anything wrong. I didn't have the affair and abandon him. But that inner voice started nagging...ahem...(clears throat) talking to me again. "Come oooon...you know she's right." And now, upon reflection, I see it. I screwed up. I chose poorly for lack of a better word. I'm not really blaming myself but I can now clearly see that I loved Ex-Man, (and still do...sigh) but I think I was more in love with the image he presented. He used to say, "People will believe the image you present," and I did. I bought it hook, line, and sinker. I had this glorified image of him as this old fashioned, chivalrous cowboy. (He was raised on a ranch.) And in some respects he embodied that. And when he said his marriage vows, I really wanted to believe that he meant it. Why would someone say a thing like that if they didn't mean it?
I had this nagging feeling on our wedding day at the church that wouldn't leave me alone. And Ex-Man's behavior was so clear to me - as I planned the wedding and on our wedding day - he was not into it. My inner voice was asking, "What's wrong with this picture?" But I told it soundly, "Shut up and leave me alone. My day is finally hear. The day I've of dreamed of since I was a little girl, and you won't ruin it for me." And I slammed the door shut on it, muffling it for the next few years.
I could moan and cry in my spilled soy milk (I'm lactose intolerant) saying to myself, "I should have paid better attention," but I can't change the past. It is done. But what I can do, is take my time to evaluate what happened, really look at myself, see the facts for what they are, and then work on forgiving myself for not being, well, perfect. And I can forgive myself for not listening to that inner voice, and resolve to work harder to be a better listener as I move forward. I think this is what Lulu Guru was driving at. I can give myself credit for one thing though, I'm getting better at listening to and respecting my parents. They deserve my time attention. They've been around the block of life a few more times than me, and have learned a thing or two.
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